Winwar Exclusive: Patent for Google SERPS Dartboard Uncovered?

In a huge coup for this here blog, we have uncovered a brand new way to rank websites within the top 20. As we all know, being in the top 20 results in Google sees you get quite a bit of traffic, so it’s within your best interest to practice this technique.

Basically, the US Patent Office has filed a patent – number A11F001 from Google for “The SERPS Dartboard”. Quite simply, it’s a wifi connected dartboard with a direct link to Google’s HQ. It was leaked to me by a former girlfriend of mine (hi April!) who now works for the patent office. As well as the document which I’ll detail the best bits below, she leaked this concept sketch.

How Does It Work?

Detailed in the document, this is the process.

  1. You first type in your chosen keyword, and URL and then hit enter. If you are in the top 50 search results, you’re encouraged to go to the next stage.
  2. You are then encouraged to register your details. This is to stop competitors from throwing on your behalf. This is easy to do as it links to your Google Analytics or Adwords account. Failing that, a simple meta tag placed on the home page of your site will do the job similarly.
  3. You then stand 2.37m away from the dartboard (known as the GoogleOche™) and throw the GoogleDart™ at the dartboard.
  4. You get one shot at this, so be careful! Throwing the dart will land you in that position on the SERPS, so if you throw 1, you automatically move upto first. If you throw treble 1, three people in the world will have to throw 1 before you’re knocked off the top. Similar to how you play Killer Darts really.
  5. The half-bullseye puts you in 25th and the full bullseye puts you in 50th.

What is to Stop Me from placing the dart in treble 1?

The dartboard is pressure sensitive, which means that it can detect the speed and momentum of the dart when it hits the dartboard. Quite frankly, it won’t work. Also you’ll have to make sure you hang the dartboard at the correct height and stand on the GoogleOche™ when throwing darts.

If One Lands On Your Doorstep, How Can I Dominate the SERPS for Rankings, Profit and Speedboats?

I’m unsure now, I’ve taken a day off work to go to the pub to practice my arrows. It is understood that Phil “The Power” Taylor has quit the PDC now to form a SEO Outsourcing Firm.

If you work for an SEO firm, I’d encourage you all to prepare by buying a dartboard for your office restroom. If you do, please remember to hang it so that the number one is at the top.

When Will It Ship?

Again, according to the document, it’ll ship tomorrow to in-house SEO teams with more than $10000 USD/month Google Adwords spend, and then Monday to recognised SEO’s located on the TopSEO’s list.

Later today, there’ll be an announcement from Google’s new Webspam Team Member: Mr. Tony Green.

What Do You Think?

What do you think of this shocking development from Google. Is SEO dead? Leave your thoughts in the comments!

4 thoughts on “Winwar Exclusive: Patent for Google SERPS Dartboard Uncovered?

  1. I have to remember to take everything with a grain of salt on April 1. I’ve been “got” too many times – and it’s always emotional for some reason.

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