Winwar Exclusive: Patent for Google SERPS Dartboard Uncovered?

In a huge coup for this here blog, we have uncovered a brand new way to rank websites within the top 20. As we all know, being in the top 20 results in Google sees you get quite a bit of traffic, so it’s within your best interest to practice this technique.

Basically, the US Patent Office has filed a patent – number A11F001 from Google for “The SERPS Dartboard”. Quite simply, it’s a wifi connected dartboard with a direct link to Google’s HQ. It was leaked to me by a former girlfriend of mine (hi April!) who now works for the patent office. As well as the document which I’ll detail the best bits below, she leaked this concept sketch.

How Does It Work?

Detailed in the document, this is the process.

  1. You first type in your chosen keyword, and URL and then hit enter. If you are in the top 50 search results, you’re encouraged to go to the next stage.
  2. You are then encouraged to register your details. This is to stop competitors from throwing on your behalf. This is easy to do as it links to your Google Analytics or Adwords account. Failing that, a simple meta tag placed on the home page of your site will do the job similarly.
  3. You then stand 2.37m away from the dartboard (known as the GoogleOche™) and throw the GoogleDart™ at the dartboard.
  4. You get one shot at this, so be careful! Throwing the dart will land you in that position on the SERPS, so if you throw 1, you automatically move upto first. If you throw treble 1, three people in the world will have to throw 1 before you’re knocked off the top. Similar to how you play Killer Darts really.
  5. The half-bullseye puts you in 25th and the full bullseye puts you in 50th.

What is to Stop Me from placing the dart in treble 1?

The dartboard is pressure sensitive, which means that it can detect the speed and momentum of the dart when it hits the dartboard. Quite frankly, it won’t work. Also you’ll have to make sure you hang the dartboard at the correct height and stand on the GoogleOche™ when throwing darts.

If One Lands On Your Doorstep, How Can I Dominate the SERPS for Rankings, Profit and Speedboats?

I’m unsure now, I’ve taken a day off work to go to the pub to practice my arrows. It is understood that Phil “The Power” Taylor has quit the PDC now to form a SEO Outsourcing Firm.

If you work for an SEO firm, I’d encourage you all to prepare by buying a dartboard for your office restroom. If you do, please remember to hang it so that the number one is at the top.

When Will It Ship?

Again, according to the document, it’ll ship tomorrow to in-house SEO teams with more than $10000 USD/month Google Adwords spend, and then Monday to recognised SEO’s located on the TopSEO’s list.

Later today, there’ll be an announcement from Google’s new Webspam Team Member: Mr. Tony Green.

What Do You Think?

What do you think of this shocking development from Google. Is SEO dead? Leave your thoughts in the comments!

I’m Off To Think Visibility This Weekend

This weekend, as the title exlaims, I’m off to Think Visibility!

I went for the last one in September and had an amazing time – meeting a lot of amazing people, learning a lot (which I shared on my old blog) and most importantly had an amazing time. Although I was talking about going to Wrestlemania XVIII, instead Thinkvis won (don’t worry! I’ve not forsaken wrestling, going to Monday Night Raw in Richmond Virginia on my travels later this year).

I’m not sure who I’m going to see (there are some amazing speakers, and a few clashes). I may also live blog it as well, it’s my birthday the day before and depending on how much I drink/how many birthday beats I get, that may go out of the window. I’m learning to write quickly at least.

Would love to see you there if you’re going! If you’re not, follow up on the #thinkvis hashtag on Twitter.

How To Write A Guest Post Proposal

I accept guest blog posts on this blog, which is the same as many other blogs. However, even though I accept them, the main focus for my blog is to keep the quality of posts. As a result, I do reject guest posts (probably why you haven’t seen any posts yet!), even those that don’t get past the proposal phrase.

One such proposal was sent to my personal blog (which I rarely, if ever, accept guest posts on!) in the past few days. It was long with 4 wordy paragraphs, which I read then immediately sent it into the bin.

Why didn’t it work? Well it was long & wordy, but there were a few phrases that stood out:-

  • “Whilst reading your blog I noticed that you have used guest posters previously, and so thought I’d send you a quick email.” - Lazy. I had never guest post on the website.
  • “The post would offer simple [their niche] advice (not a sales pitch in any way!) for the readers of your blog, with the post being relevant to the details of your niche….I think it’s safe to say that we could really help your readers with some high quality unbiased (and uncommercial) advice..” - Again, their niche was completely unrelated to mine. I also wasn’t happy having ‘advice’ posts on my website, which is a personal blog.

But the main phrase that stood out was the following:-

We’re offering to write you a unique 400-600 word blog post, which will be relevant to your readers and will enhance your website as the quality of the content will be very high. Hopefully the post will be helpful to your readers and also will help your exposure in the search engines due to having more content.

Two reasons why this stood out for me. Firstly, the fact that they mention the words “quality”, “expert”, “unique” & “helpful” a lot. Ever see a drunk who try so hard to convince you they are sober they give the game away? That’s what the email & the passage reads to me.

Secondly, it felt like they were patronising me, that my blog needed their content to be a great blog.

So how should you effectively pitch when guest posting?

Simple, don’t. Write a blog post that you want publishing & send it yourself. Make your first guest posts generic (so that if they are refused, you can still use the blog post), before going into tailored blog posts to blogs. By pitching, you’re setting yourself up for a fall, so don’t!

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Welcome Problogger Readers!

Hello to all those who have arrived at this blog from Problogger! For the unaware, the latest post on Problogger – Use Google Reading Level to Improve Your Blog Message – was written by myself. Go read it if you haven’t yet.

I’m Rhys Wynne & this is my main blog. I’m a serial blogger, although I don’t blog daily or sometimes even weekly on this blog. Rather than being forced to blog on a daily basis, I prefer to write amazing posts every so often on this blog (as well as others – see the Guest Posting Page), whereas dedicating my time to updating my WordPress Plugins & supporting them.

Still here? Fantastic. Here are some of my favourite posts recently:-

Like what you see? Great stuff! Follow me on twitter or subscribe to my free blog newsletter. That way you’ll get the posts delivered to your inbox when they go live, as well as extra analysis.

I also do a bit of paid wordpress consultancy, SEO, social media & web development. You can read testimonials & examples of sites I’ve worked on my testimonials page. You can also contact me with any questions or if you’re after any advice. Diolch yn fawr!